I am searching for a place to land. It has been almost eight months since Ellie was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and I still can not find that “place” where I feel like I have some handle on MY destiny let alone hers. This thing called Type 1 diabetes is pretty large, overwhelming and quite frankly I’m always voting no…but it is not listening!
We have an endo appointment in two days. I took Ellie a couple of days ago to the lab for her A1C blood draw and as many times as I read from people in the DOC not to let that number drive you nuts…it drives me nuts. This will only be her third “number”. The first two were identical…this did not make sense to me (to the point that I have decided they lost it and just used the previous number so we didn’t have to do it again!). This number will be different however, and I am not looking forward to hearing it in real-time. I plan to call before we go to the appointment because I am not really sure how I will act if it’s higher…and I sure do not need my four-year old daughter witnessing her mother in a full on breakdown over a number (if this becomes the case of course). I know that we will be fine. More importantly, I know she’ll be fine. I just dread the feeling of panic that I will inevitably feel if she has a high A1C.
So that is where I sit as of today. A place to land I’m thinking would be nice. I think that is why I am going to try to blog. I read a dozen blogs a day, sometimes twice to get the energy and confidence I need to make it through yet another day of the D. I often feel like I can not get a grip on my day, night, week or month. I explain it to my friends as loosing time. When diabetes rears its ugly head and decides to take over, all time is lost. All activities are in the background of the immediate and constant care of Ellie. The little girl with diabetes. I have lost weeks. To some degree she has lost as well, but I try to remember that she is young and time is really relative to each person. She does have many, many years ahead of her. I’m hoping this blog will be a source of purpose and energy that I can create…a destiny of sorts for both of us. I’m excited to get started.