I have been mentally and physically paralyzed in a strange depressing place for a couple of weeks now. Mentally I have been unable to put thoughts together or even efficiently perform daily tasks. Physically suffering from a hodge-podge of aches and pains that are totally unexplained. (Very similar to the commercial about depression, I think I’m that lady in the window holding her head) Blank, unable to express myself or even wanting to. A couple of Friday’s ago I completely lost my marbles. Left the house in a rage…expressed that rage by telephone to a worried husband who had no idea what the hell was going on. I screamed to the point of exhaustion and then just simply shut down. Completely shut down, dark.
I’m not sure I’ve met a life challenge of this caliber.
I have made poor choices in my past that have tried the patience of those who love me. I’ve gotten myself in some pickles that could have landed me in some not so comfortable places. I’ve made a few decisions in my life that put my very being in question. But I have never felt the pressure and fear that I now feel. I’ve never been here…in this place…in this reality.
When Ellie was born I was thrust into a beautiful and intense world of life and purpose.  I knew almost instantly that everything was going to be ok, that I wasn’t going to screw THIS up. Mostly because I really, really, really liked her.  You know you love someone and that is important of course. But I really liked Ellie. I liked to be with her. I liked to watch her go about her business and be a little person. I still watch her in wonderment and wait to see what she’ll do next. I liked Ellie so much that I convinced Ray to have yet another one.  (He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage) I had no idea that I would love being a mother this much. Let alone LIKE IT! However, my pregnancy with Jack was trying. I thought it would be easier because it was the second one and not really that long after the first. I lost my job about 2 weeks before I became pregnant with Ellie, so I was actually home for the first 6 months I was pregnant with her, I think that made my pregnancy with her much easier than I realized. With Jack…I was working from day one. I didn’t get very big with Jack. I only gained about 9 lbs. total. Which was fine with me at first, but then I began to worry.  The doctor didn’t seem concerned at any point, but I didn’t feel well and it seemed impossible that I wasn’t gaining more weight.  We had the sonogram to see the sex of the baby and make sure everything was alright at 5 or so months. She did extra pictures that day. I noticed the extra pictures, but she didn’t say anything so it was just something that made me think, Hmmm?

The phone call from the doctor came the next day. Jack’s umbilical cord only had 2 veins. It’s suppose to have 3. Everything is going to be ok…blah blah blah blah blah….you’ll have to go to a specialist…blah blah blah blah…Sara it’s very rare that anything is wrong, I’m sure it will be ok, we just have to check. All I heard ultimately was this vein thing is sometimes a marker for Downs Syndrome. As Ray and I sat in the chromosome specialists office a week later waiting for the sonogram that would tell us if our son was showing signs of a genetic disorder, we heard sobbing from the sonogram room.  The woman we heard sobbing came out of the room …her husband holding her rushing her out of the room to wherever they were going… Ray and I just looked at each other.  (My stomach turns when I think of that woman) I don’t have a clue what happened to her or her baby, but I know it was not good.
Jack is fine. His first months were a bit trying for me. He was a fussy baby at night, a funny breather and spindly as all get out. He was born in the middle of September, 4 months before D day. I only took him to emergency one time. I call that visit the “200 dollar hiccups”. I was sooo worried about him the first few months of his life. So skinny, not a mover and a shaker. From the 5th month of pregnancy to D day…I was sure Jack was going to have something wrong with him. Something serious…something that I couldn’t bear, something that would make my family fall apart and our lives so damn difficult that we could possibly fail.
A couple of weeks before D day, Jack settled. He was sleeping better, I was beginning to relax a little. I was thin, not a good thin. Whatever happened to both Jack and I over the previous 9 or 10 months was beginning to lift, I could “see” better and felt better.
Then Ellie began to wet the bed. She became thirsty. D day was right around the corner.
to be continued…

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2 Responses to Paralyzed

  1. Meri says:

    This blog post breaks my heart. I have been in that dark place friend! We cannot have such a life altering challenge placed in front of us without reacting. Processing. we are woman for crying out loud! We love our children more than our very own lives…we don’t want this for them. And the first while is so hard! The learning curve is unreal. Give yourself time to adjust. Lean on your husband. Lean on us. You will come through this! Much love to you! It isn’t easy, but everything will be ok.

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