Meri, “Been Feeling Edgy Lately” (11/20).
Reyna, “Renting on ROIDS” (12/19).
As always, I am again kept sane by my fellow D moms, dads and PWD’s with their endless stream of reassuring and familiar words. Even when I fail to keep some semblance of a blogging schedule, my ol’ trusty’s are tapping away day after day leaving calm and peace in their wake. (wordy eh? Ha!)
I am definitely in a somewhat blah, somewhat tired, somewhat blank place the last few weeks. I’m having difficulty with thinking straight, getting excited about anything and my motivation is really LOW! Like LOW LOW! I’m glad it’s Christmas. I like Christmas. I am looking forward to Christmas… This is our first D Christmas and I have to say I am somewhat grateful that Ellie was diagnosed last January so we’ve had 11 months of experience under our belts for the potential holiday challenges. Ellie (as I’ve mentioned) isn’t that hard to monitor when it comes to food. She doesn’t eat but 5 things. However, cookies and candy do happen to be 2 of the 5 things!!!
Lorraine (of Caleb) mentioned to me in an e-mail (by the way thank you for your response!) the concept of subtle changes when she switched their insulin brand for Caleb.
I began to wonder…
When reading blogs it seems one is getting the nitty-gritty. The deep thoughts of some, the fantastical thoughts of others, the entertaining (I use the word entertainingly very lightly) description of the daily in’s and out’s. It seems to me like some people have really found their place, their voice, even their calling. When reading the various personalities and stories I am always so impressed with the consistency of most of the blogs. Like last night I was trying to find a post for my husband to read that I had read a few days ago. I forgot who wrote it so I was having to look at my favorites list and pull each one up. I found myself skipping one or two and saying, “she wouldn’t have said that” or “Nah, that’s not her style”. It’s pretty cool really once I started thinking about it. I’m actually feeling like I know all my blogger buddies just a little better as time is passing! When I didn’t read my blogger buddies stuff for a week and then had a chance to sit down and read them I was consumed and comforted within mere minutes of reading and that is soooo nice!
So back to subtle and sensitivity.
High sensitivity factor with subtle changes.
This, I think, is where I’m coming from at the moment. Caleb’s mom said that she didn’t see any night and day differences when trying the new insulin…but she did realize that she wasn’t calling in to the nurse like before. Subtle. Reyna had the post (mentioned above) that I could have bathed in and made all mine…(I read it twice and it was long!) I cried, not hard, but I felt her feelings just the same…High Sensitivity. Which brings us to the cliff that Meri was talkin’ about (mentioned above) a few blogs ago. My toes are curled tight around the edge and I know I’ll make it, but I am damn tired and damn scared that I won’t be able to hang on to all that needs to be…well…hung on to! I have a high sensitivity factor right now and I’m just realizing it…like literally just realizing it. It’s been a subtle progression of change. I am beginning to understand that who I am now will be a bit different from who I was then.
Ya, I know…DUH!!!
But I think to some extent I haven’t had time to truly absorb who I am going to be as a result of this experience. Or better who it is I need to be or have to be now. Diabetes has defiantly increased my sensitivity factor…in some ways for the better and some ways for the worse. I definitely have more compassion for people and their struggles with health. Chronic actually means something now. Like really means something. Fear has a tangible feel to it. All the priorities of the past are now somewhat silly and shallow. It’s sort of cool like that. Life that is. I’m trying to adjust to my high sensitivity factor, but still trying to keep it subtle. I don’t want to overdo it, that Beast will bite if you get too confident and think you got it all figured out. So I’m still out here, pluggin’ away at D and trying to get into a groove with this bloggy thing. Don’t give up on me yet! Just trying to keep it subtle!!! ((Hugs to all of you))