Sensitivity Factor

Sensitivity Factor
Meri, “Been Feeling Edgy Lately” (11/20).
Reyna, “Renting on ROIDS” (12/19).
As always, I am again kept sane by my fellow D moms, dads and PWD’s with their endless stream of reassuring and familiar words. Even when I fail to keep some semblance of a blogging schedule, my ol’ trusty’s are tapping away day after day leaving calm and peace in their wake. (wordy eh? Ha!)
I am definitely in a somewhat blah, somewhat tired, somewhat blank place the last few weeks. I’m having difficulty with thinking straight, getting excited about anything and my motivation is really LOW! Like LOW LOW! I’m glad it’s Christmas. I like Christmas. I am looking forward to Christmas… This is our first D Christmas and I have to say I am somewhat grateful that Ellie was diagnosed last January so we’ve had 11 months of experience under our belts for the potential holiday challenges. Ellie (as I’ve mentioned) isn’t that hard to monitor when it comes to food. She doesn’t eat but 5 things. However, cookies and candy do happen to be 2 of the 5 things!!!

Lorraine (of Caleb) mentioned to me in an e-mail (by the way thank you for your response!) the concept of subtle changes when she switched their insulin brand for Caleb.
I began to wonder…
When reading blogs it seems one is getting the nitty-gritty. The deep thoughts of some, the fantastical thoughts of others, the entertaining (I use the word entertainingly very lightly) description of the daily in’s and out’s. It seems to me like some people have really found their place, their voice, even their calling. When reading the various personalities and stories I am always so impressed with the consistency of most of the blogs. Like last night I was trying to find a post for my husband to read that I had read a few days ago. I forgot who wrote it so I was having to look at my favorites list and pull each one up.  I found myself skipping one or two and saying, “she wouldn’t have said that” or “Nah, that’s not her style”. It’s pretty cool really once I started thinking about it. I’m actually feeling like I know all my blogger buddies just a little better as time is passing! When I didn’t read my blogger buddies stuff for a week and then had a chance to sit down and read them I was consumed and comforted within mere minutes of reading and that is soooo nice!

So back to subtle and sensitivity.
High sensitivity factor with subtle changes.

This, I think, is where I’m coming from at the moment. Caleb’s mom said that she didn’t see any night and day differences when trying the new insulin…but she did realize that she wasn’t calling in to the nurse like before. Subtle. Reyna had the post (mentioned above)  that I could have bathed in and made all mine…(I read it twice and it was long!) I cried, not hard, but I felt her feelings just the same…High Sensitivity. Which brings us to the cliff that Meri was talkin’ about (mentioned above) a few blogs ago. My toes are curled tight around the edge and I know I’ll make it, but I am damn tired and damn scared that I won’t be able to hang on to all that needs to be…well…hung on to! I have a high sensitivity factor right now and I’m just realizing it…like literally just realizing it. It’s been a subtle progression of change.  I am beginning to understand that who I am now will be a bit different from who I was then.

Ya, I know…DUH!!!

But I think to some extent I haven’t had time to truly absorb who I am going to be as a result of this experience. Or better who it is I need to be or have to be now. Diabetes has defiantly increased my sensitivity factor…in some ways for the better and some ways for the worse. I definitely have more compassion for people and their struggles with health. Chronic actually means something now. Like really means something. Fear has a tangible feel to it.   All the priorities of the past are now somewhat silly and shallow.  It’s sort of cool like that.  Life that is.  I’m trying to adjust to my high sensitivity factor, but still trying to  keep it subtle.  I don’t want to overdo it, that Beast will bite if you get too confident and think you got it all figured out.  So I’m still out here, pluggin’ away at D and trying to get into a groove with this bloggy thing.  Don’t give up on me yet!  Just trying to keep it subtle!!!  ((Hugs to all of you))

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5 Responses to Sensitivity Factor

  1. Lorraine says:

    How well said, “It’s sort of cool like that.” what a great perspective.

    Thanks for the shout out and of course you are always welcome. 🙂

    PS: it’s actually the school nurse who is no longer calling me. I stopped calling Caleb’s Endo shortly after he started pumping, years ago. Their too general advice became obsolete pretty quickly.

    Looking forward to your future posts. 🙂

  2. Wendy says:

    Ahh….love that….sensitivity factor – PERFECT!

    So happy you’re falling into step…scoping out your own little nest….and excited to know more about your journey.

    It’s real.


    I still wonder if I’m going to wake up and shake it off tomorrow.

  3. Reyna says:

    Well my dear…first off I have to apologize. I didn’t even know you had posted. I have problems with WordPress in my dashboard and I am going to go fix that issue after I comment. I only noticed that you posted b/c I was just commenting on Wicked Sweet’s post (Pam and Grace)…and saw you had recent post.

    I am humbled to be mentioned with Meri and Lorraine and the girls. We all have such unique voices and insights. Usually mine are the screw-up-y type – LOL. No worries on the blogging thing. I didn’t even start mine until almost a year ago; three and a half years after Joe’s diagnosis. I am in awe of all of you that are able to start one up so soon after diagnosis…mine would have been a blubbering mess if I had done it so soon.

    What I am trying to say is I love you. I am thankful for your friendship. I am always here for you…blogging buddy, d buddy, mommy buddy, friend buddy…in any way shape or form. We are all family in a sense.

  4. Amy says:

    Hi! I am not sure how I have missed your blog in my search over the last couple of months, however, I am certainly thankful now that I have stumbled upon your site.

    You have a gift of writing, my dear. I have you bookmarked and plan to slowly read your past posts simply because you draw me in and make me want to read more. And, I have an Ellie, so you must be pretty cool 😉

    I hope you don’t mind, but I linked to you in my morning blog post. I was reading your post about ‘sleep’ and when you said something about dosing insulin is akin to hitting a moving target, something in my brain clicked and it provided me with some much needed inspiration. Thank you.

    I look forward to learning more about you and your Ellie.


  5. Denise says:

    Like Reyna, I have a prob linking with WordPress so never know if there is a new post unless I am on someone else’s blog that lists yours. Also agree with Amy that you are a great writer. I do love how you begin to know everyone’s personalities through their writing and can tell who wrote what, for the most part. The DOC has been so great. Nice having all these D-moms that get it!

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