You’d think my family lived in a damn barn…a dirty ol’ stinky barn. My kids are sick AGAIN. I’m sick of sick. I’m also sick of D.
Am I allowed to say that when I am NOT the one who has diabetes?
That is my big question this week. Am I allowed to just be sick of it?
I’ve been reading everyone’s blogs…
The lull between the end of Christmas holidays and spring is no doubt mind numbing for everyone…the weather itself is evil and tricky regardless where you live…little nice, more snow or rain, little nice…very tricky. Meri is down, Reyna is running her cowgirl ass off, Joanne is on the brink of death ((hugs babe)), Hallie is mad as hell and sick of ignorance, and Steve is in a BIG OL’ quandary and Lora my dear…I am in the same damn place. (well except the stripper shoes, I don’t wear stripper shoes because I’m lazy)
Ok, so a point here. I was trying to figure out how to emotionally get through this week. I’ve been home for 2 months now (having quit my job) and I haven’t really had a chance to “enjoy” being home. Hospital Hell (previous post) and then some other illnesses, head bug problems (yes BUGS) and then INFLUENZA. I have (knock on wood) escaped the last two attacks of ICKY, but my kids…ugh my kids have not. For once, D has not actually been THE problem, but I have decided that D is ALWAYS A PROBLEM. That’s the drag, the kicker, the ugly little secret. D makes EVERYTHING a bigger pain in the ass then it already is. Lora’s right, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, not the light we all think of when we think of light at the end of the tunnel. In other words there IS a beginning, but there IS no END. Ya, a year later we are much more calm and less disturbed by D. But it isn’t any easier and for every damn milestone that Ellie meets there is always a D learning curve added. She’s going to be 5 in a few months and she’s rapidly turning into an adolescent child from a little baby girl. She’s quicker, smarter, and bigger and has more to say every day. D just won’t quit and when other normal life situations come up…here comes that D train to make it all that much more exhausting and complicated. A fever isn’t just a fever; it’s a fever with insulin resistance. Jack is sick, Ellie is getting sick, can’t just treat Ellie who has milder symptoms with over the counter meds to get her through because she has D and it could be more dangerous for her. So double the tamiflu for 2 kids and then make a D-mom crazy with worry that not only is the little boy going to get horribly ill, but the D kid may end back up in the hospital…The lingering thought (fear) that this is the virus that will trigger Type 1 in Jack…The BS of “sick day” management for Type 1 insulin dosage…ya right, because Type 1 is soooo consistent to start with!?
So again, the big question is…am I allowed to be sick of D? Can I complain and bitch about it even though I am a mother and this is a part of my daughter? Can I continue to cry out in anger and irritation without being a total ass of a mom? It’s actually a tough question for me to answer. It’s a little sensitive. I’m supposed to be completely rock hard on the subject. In control. The love I feel for my daughter should override any of MY needs or anguish. I should not be frustrated because D is a part of my daughter and I am to accept it unconditionally. She requires insulin management to live, I am to provide the insulin management and then teach her over the next 15 years to do it herself so she can live a healthy, vivacious life. Black and white people, it is what it is…This isn’t a disease for ninnies, whiners, weaklings. Get up and just do it, don’t piss and moan about it because it isn’t going anywhere. I don’t know…
Maybe…oh…maybe…ugh…maybe I’m just damn sick of D.
Heidi on To you, From me Hallie on To you, From me Joanne on To you, From me Reyna on To you, From me krisfitz on Defining Ellie and Me with the…