You’d think my family lived in a damn barn…a dirty ol’ stinky barn. My kids are sick AGAIN. I’m sick of sick. I’m also sick of D.
Am I allowed to say that when I am NOT the one who has diabetes?
That is my big question this week. Am I allowed to just be sick of it?
I’ve been reading everyone’s blogs…
The lull between the end of Christmas holidays and spring is no doubt mind numbing for everyone…the weather itself is evil and tricky regardless where you live…little nice, more snow or rain, little nice…very tricky. Meri is down, Reyna is running her cowgirl ass off, Joanne is on the brink of death ((hugs babe)), Hallie is mad as hell and sick of ignorance, and Steve is in a BIG OL’ quandary and Lora my dear…I am in the same damn place. (well except the stripper shoes, I don’t wear stripper shoes because I’m lazy)
Ok, so a point here. I was trying to figure out how to emotionally get through this week. I’ve been home for 2 months now (having quit my job) and I haven’t really had a chance to “enjoy” being home. Hospital Hell (previous post) and then some other illnesses, head bug problems (yes BUGS) and then INFLUENZA. I have (knock on wood) escaped the last two attacks of ICKY, but my kids…ugh my kids have not. For once, D has not actually been THE problem, but I have decided that D is ALWAYS A PROBLEM. That’s the drag, the kicker, the ugly little secret. D makes EVERYTHING a bigger pain in the ass then it already is. Lora’s right, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, not the light we all think of when we think of light at the end of the tunnel. In other words there IS a beginning, but there IS no END. Ya, a year later we are much more calm and less disturbed by D. But it isn’t any easier and for every damn milestone that Ellie meets there is always a D learning curve added. She’s going to be 5 in a few months and she’s rapidly turning into an adolescent child from a little baby girl. She’s quicker, smarter, and bigger and has more to say every day. D just won’t quit and when other normal life situations come up…here comes that D train to make it all that much more exhausting and complicated. A fever isn’t just a fever; it’s a fever with insulin resistance. Jack is sick, Ellie is getting sick, can’t just treat Ellie who has milder symptoms with over the counter meds to get her through because she has D and it could be more dangerous for her. So double the tamiflu for 2 kids and then make a D-mom crazy with worry that not only is the little boy going to get horribly ill, but the D kid may end back up in the hospital…The lingering thought (fear) that this is the virus that will trigger Type 1 in Jack…The BS of “sick day” management for Type 1 insulin dosage…ya right, because Type 1 is soooo consistent to start with!?
So again, the big question is…am I allowed to be sick of D? Can I complain and bitch about it even though I am a mother and this is a part of my daughter? Can I continue to cry out in anger and irritation without being a total ass of a mom? It’s actually a tough question for me to answer. It’s a little sensitive. I’m supposed to be completely rock hard on the subject. In control. The love I feel for my daughter should override any of MY needs or anguish. I should not be frustrated because D is a part of my daughter and I am to accept it unconditionally. She requires insulin management to live, I am to provide the insulin management and then teach her over the next 15 years to do it herself so she can live a healthy, vivacious life. Black and white people, it is what it is…This isn’t a disease for ninnies, whiners, weaklings. Get up and just do it, don’t piss and moan about it because it isn’t going anywhere. I don’t know…
Maybe…oh…maybe…ugh…maybe I’m just damn sick of D.

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5 Responses to REEEAAALLLYYY!? (said LOUD)

  1. Reyna says:

    Oh Sarah…It is totally fine to bitch, moan, whine, rant, rave, scream, AND cry while you are cursing “D”. Yep, there is no end. That is the truth. I think it took me 3 months into Joe’s diagnosis to realize this. Right after my father died…I flew back home…to a 3 year old “D” Joe… depressed…realizing that there will never be an end. This was “it”. This was our life now.

    I have found that I tend to fluctuate on a continuum. The good times have been lasting longer…the bad times, the hard times emerge less often and for shorter periods of time. I hope this provides some comfort to you.

    Chin up!!!

    P.S. YOU.ARE.NOT.AN.ASS.OF.A.MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Lora says:

    Hell yes your allowed to be SICK.OF.IT!!!
    DOWN RIGHT SICK OF IT as a matter of fact.

    Like Reyna, I have found that I fluctuate, but my stripper shoes carry me through. lol
    I’m never going to live that down.


  3. Joanne says:

    You have every right to be sick of it. There is a weird ebb and flow to this disease. Some days you feel okay and others you just want to get in your car and drive away; never looking back.

    Sorry life has been so craptastic lately… here’s hoping that things turn around SOON! (as in NOW)

  4. Jack now has walking pneumonia and an ear infection…REALLY! No Shit! Good night could I just have a DAY?! Ya, ya, ya, I know…NOPE! Ha! Thank you ladies, I’m beginning to come out of it and your support always makes me smile! ((hugs))

  5. Jules says:

    Oh, Hell yes! Sick and tired and so bloody fed up. I think if you tried to deny these feelings you’d be heading towards crazy. We D-parents live in the ‘burbs of Crazy anyway but let it all out and feel like crap and hate it and it will still be there only you’ll feel better for the rant.
    OK, I am off to look up these stripper shoes now ….
    Getting my kicks where I can.

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